so much in my brain

as always, my brain is going a million gazillion miles a minute. i'm actually feeling really happy lately about not being on the go constantly. its a nice change. i really enjoy being able to know that i don't have tons of things to work on. still things to do, but not like crazy planning stuff like the discovery center event and maeven's birthday.

and yet my brain still goes into overdrive on ideas to work on. i do have to kick it up a notch for the learning village. i am going to do a solar system class that i'm really excited about. get to bring in a bunch of the neat activities and such that i used to use at SCICON and at discovery center summer camp all those years ago.

i'm in dire need of something to really get the learning village off the ground. that's my project right now. i need to put my energy into making it something that people will be lining up to join. so many ideas that i just have to put into action.

and also need to work on TDC stuff. we are planning a spring event, with an egg hunt. want to work on it now so that we can really make it awesome.

and tonight i was playing a game on shockwave, which was all about summer camp...got me to thinking about how fun camp was when i used to work at them. well not all fun, it was a lot of work and stress too. but i really want my kids to be able to go to camp someday. we just cannot even possibly afford it right now. but maybe if i am able to figure out something to organize, i might be able to make it happen for my kids.

anyway, its just funny how i always have all these things going on in my brain. and still always trying to think of ways to make money. always. someday i'm going to think of something that will more than supplement our income. someday i'll figure out a way to make enough money for us and still help others out by hiring moms to help them stay home with their kids too. someday. i think its just a matter of thinking of the right idea. someday.

nearly there

in just a few days i'll be done with the madness of the past month. first TDC's event, then halloween, then maeven's birthday then her party...october/november are really crazy around here and i'm feelin it. will be glad to be done with it for another year so i can breathe and start gearing up for xmas. (ack, its not much longer til that crazy season, bleh).

anyhoo. i am determined to get this house shipshape. went to several stores yesterday just to buy the supplies needed. got tons of cleaning supplies (we were out of so many), and am attacking with vigor tomorrow.

still much to do on the party front but i'm trying to narrow it down to the easiest and cheapest ideas. it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be wow, just fun. i have to keep telling myself that. and i'm getting maeven as involved as i possibly can. she's really a great help these days, and finds party planning almost as fun as i do.

going to have to figure out what to do with our large cardboard boxes we have collected...maeven wants a tea house with a roof, but i suspect that might be too much to do by sunday. well, its not a really difficult thing to make, but my biggest question is what are we going to use to paint it? i need to price paint and if i can find something affordable, we'll see...but we will need pretty much every color of the rainbow and then some. i'd just use tempera if TLV wasn't already so short on it. (and out of many of the colors entirely). i am thinking house paint would work best but i don't know how much it would cost for that many colors, even for the smallest of buckets. there's no way i'm going to be able to spend $50 or more on paint, no way. not feasible. i'll have to see what other sorts of paint might be available...i just doubt that tempera would cover the cardboard properly...it never really did before...hmmm...wait! i may have an idea...i think we have white house paint...and my dad might have some too...methinks i could paint it all white with what we already have and then see about getting more tempera to paint over it. it doesn't have to last...its going to be recycled after the party, most likely...but i just want the paint to pop.

hmmm...this could possibly work. it will be a lot cheaper to run and buy the tempera we are out of than to have to buy house paint in bright colors, methinks. i know i do have some colors, so i wouldn't need a ton. and i have plenty of brushes in all sizes. this could actually be quite fun! :)

and maeven's the resident artist so of course i'd put her to work on the main painting anyway. :) i'll just get the house assembled and we can all have fun putting the white base coat on and then see how it goes from there. tada! solution found. now i just have to go print up those house making directions again (i made one for maeve before, using our cardboard rivets.) and hunt down some white other neutral color'd house paint. voila!

Today is my dh (darling husband's) 39th birthday

So here's some pics in his honor. The many faces of Adam. :)

From recent goofy pics:


Tyren took these pics. I love how you can really see Adam's blue eyes in them:

One of my favorite pics ever of him:

(taken last year in front of our house)

To very old pics, of our wedding day in 1999 (were we really that much younger?)



Crazy to say, but he still makes my heart go pitter-pat when I look at these pics of him.

Yes, even after 12 years together, 10 years married and 3 children & much stress, heartache and joys later...

Lately we've had a LOT of stress, what with all the financial woes. But we are hangin in there and despite it all, Adam still cracks jokes and manages to get us all to laugh. Cuz that's just the kind of guy he is.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! I LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!

RANT: Parents who dress children in scream masks

I posted all our Halloween pics on our shutterfly site. Kids had fun, but far too many instances of them getting scared. Maeven wanted to go home early because of it. :(

Just wanted to fume here for a sec about parents that allow their children to dress in those horrid scream masks...especially the ones that bleed! Good god, what in the world are people thinking? We saw at least 3 of them on Van Ness, maybe 4, where we were trick or treating...not to mention all the other really creepy masks and bloody costumes. But those scream masks freak my kids out the most. I don't blame them. Even if I hadn't gotten tricked into seeing the first Scream movie years ago (I HATE HATE HATE slasher films...had no idea that's what I was agreeing to), that mask is creepy with a capital C! And then they make them to bleed? I mean seriously, WHAT are parents thinking???? I saw kids that weren't even that big wearing them!

I seriously question the rationale of a parent that would allow their children to dress in something that is so creepy and scary that you KNOW that it will scare other children who are trying to also enjoy the holiday. There were a lot of little kids out and about, and I'm sure that mine weren't the only ones being scared by these things.

I don't think we'll be taking our kids to Van Ness anymore. There are HORDS of kids that go there...I'm guessing lots of parents drive their kids over there, as we did. It was so crowded that getting up to the houses and back again was a pandemonium. Popular neighborhood. I can't imagine how much those people have to spend on candy to keep the kids happy. Probably why most houses only gave one piece of candy out per child. I don't blame them. (Nor do I care, my kids don't need that much candy.)

There seemed to be a large amount of creepy and gross costumes there. Not sure why that is, except perhaps the families that seem to not care about their kids scaring other kids might have been from some of the poorer neighborhoods, and came to Van Ness because its a wealthier neighborhood. I don't blame them for coming there, that's why we came there too. But I don't know why it is that it seems like the poorer families tend to have more instances of kids in those creepy masks. Do they really just not care as much about how it affects others? Do they really not care about the message they send their kids, that its ok to do what they like and not to care about the little kids? Do they really not care that their kids even LIKE these sorts of scary/creepy/violent things? Are they already exposed to such violence that they don't care if they wear a representation of it for fun? Is there more here than I'm getting? Is it not so much as I'm reading into it? I really don't know, but I find it disturbing and I know we didn't see hardly any of this sort of thing in my parents' neighborhood in Clovis, which is a pretty well-to-do neighborhood and didn't seem to have so many children brought in from other neighborhoods (other than us, LOL!) Not so many scads of children either, and just overall not so scary for my kiddos. We will be going there again next year, whether my parents are home or not, because I'm tired of the creepiness and traffic at Van Ness.

Anyway, am I the only one that cares that people are allowing their kids to make MY kids Halloween scary? My nearly 9yr old is more freaked by it than my 4yr old, because that's her personality. She's much more sensitive. But even Tyr was getting scared at times. There were even what looked like college students dressed as the members of Kiss towering over him that scared him. It was just overwhelming overall, I think. I need to remember all this next year and go to a different neighborhood.

But seriously...WHY do parents allow their kids to dress in those hideous masks, knowing that they will scare the little ones? Good god! THINK, PEOPLE! SHEESH!!

Glad Halloween is over now. I like Halloween but it is too much sometimes with all the negative stuff and creepy and scary stuff. Even I had a bit much of it this year. Now on to Maeven's birthday.

trying to get back to life as normal, whatever that is

well we made it through the event, (move it, dig it, do it: the science of machines) and it was a blast!! things turned out very well, even if the numbers weren't anywhere i hoped they'd be. everyone that attended was happy and really enjoyed the event! yay!

mary ellen and i worked our butts off on that event and we are already gearing up for another! looking into one for the spring that will include an egg hunt. that gives us 6 months to plan and we are still fired up from the success of move it!

but i must still get my house in order...slowly but surely...and get back on a schedule for homeschooling. its still difficult to walk around here since everything is a total wreck from the week or so of neglect while i worked on the event furiously in the final moments. all those last minute things makes life crazy!

today we have to go pick up the tables we borrowed from st paul's and take them back...and start working through the mess in the barn (we just piled everything back into the barn after the event, to go over later.)

but i'm feeling very proud of all we did! it helps make living here tolerable, to be making a difference in things. the discovery center needed help and mary ellen and i stepped up and took it on. we are helping to bring attention back to it. we are not doing it alone, so don't think that i think i'm single handedly or even double handedly (w/mary ellen) doing all this. we couldn't possibly do it alone. but it feels good to be the fire that is lit under those that are working with us and to be the organization that is needed for something like this to happen.

i learned a lot from the 6 years i helped organize (and in the final years, solely organized) the babyfest. this event, however, was very different and i learned even more from it, i think. it was an event focused on fun for kids, not education for parents. totally different focus. and i have to say, MORE FUN! so we are talking about taking the best of babyfest and combining with the best of move it, and making a spring event (we're tossing around the name "springfest") we need vendors to help pay for it, and we need the fun to draw all the people with their kiddos! :)

anyway, i was just reading a thing about this controversial mural in the tower district, and it led to something about the controversy of the thing that talked about fresno being dumb. just got me thinking because i wasn't entirely surprised by that thing. not that i put any major stock in it, but there's a lot of ignorance and uneducated people here. hell, there are everywhere. i'm not saying there's not fantabulous people here as well...i know a heckuva a lot of them. i know a LOT of people in fresno, believe me. i'm actually shocked by how many i know sometimes and how many know me that i've forgotten. lol! what with my website and all my mommy group connections, things i've led, things i've started, things i've done...i do truly know a lot of the good in fresno. but like i said in another post, there's good people everywhere. i can say that because i have lived a LOT of places. (grew up in the military, went to 9 schools in 13 years of school, if that's any indication...grew up literally all over the world). and i just truly believe there is a lot of good in the world. everywhere.

so why do i struggle so much with my intense dislike of where i'm living now? its not that there's no good people here...i guess its just that it gets so very hard to overlook all the ugly here. i suppose i need to figure out how to better shut it out. but that is difficult when crime is rampant, grafitti has even hit my own house, neighbors scream nastily at their children waking us up in the morning occasionally, a drive-by shooting occurred on my street that led to the death of someone, there's very little high quality educational things to do with your children such as museums and such (there isn't a children's museum in fresno! that still blows me away! visalia and oakhurst both have them...and really good ones too! but they are 45min away). the only real nature you have to travel to get to (i'm sorry, woodward park doesn't cut it...even lost lake mostly sucks because people have graffiti'd and trashed it...it just depresses me) yes i know we are close to yosemite...but its far enough that we've still not made it there. i know, our fault. but i long to live in the foothills where it is beautiful...but i've heard of a KKK influence there that was confirmed by a friend that used to live there...things like gang fights happen right next to the children's play place at the mall a block from my house (a friend of mine was there for it and saw the knife)...i can't even watch the news because it scares me to know all the bad stuff happening around here...the other night there were helicopters over our house and my daughter watched, with her father, out her bedroom window, as about 12 cop cars took over our neighborhood and went into our neighbors yards directly across the street with dogs to find a fugitive in their backyard...she saw them walking a guy in handcuffs down the street afterwards!! out her bedroom window!!

so is it any wonder i don't like living here? is it any wonder i don't feel safe in my own neighborhood. yes, i could move (if we had the money, which we don't) to a safer neighborhood...but that doesn't change what's still going on all over town. and it still doesn't change that there are not enough trees, and not enough green space (hell, that is evident when the parks & rec are drooling to get their hands back on the discovery center property because they say there isn't enough green space!!) not enough beauty. yes, there's beauty here. if i want to feel good about where i live, i go to parts of the tower district, or fig garden, where its pretty...and there are neighborhoods that have the kind of tree-lined streets that feel wonderful to drive through. ashlan has a whole strip that i regularly drive on our way to our friend's house on margaret hudson's property...who's property, by the way is a green oasis in this concrete town.

but its not enough. there is so much more i want for myself and my kids that is missing here, or not in enough abundance. i want more opportunities for green, for tall trees, for kids places like museums and play places that are full of ever changing fun and educational opportunities...for a lower crime rate (i know you cannot get away from crime comepletely, but a more tolerable level, please!) i want a place that doesn't have people driving down my street at all hours with their offensive gangster rap music vibrating the pictures off my walls...where being "gangsta" isn't "hip", even in the non-gang bangers...where an organization like FCASH doesn't have to fight so hard to make visible the cultural opportunities that are here but are overshadowed by the ugly...i just want so much...i guess it just gets to me sometimes.

but here i am. and here i'm stuck, maybe forever. so i must make the best of where i am and not instill on my children the feelings i have about where they are growing up. but i'll be damned if i'll raise them to not ever see all the wonderful and beautiful things that are out there that some natives of this city seem oblivious to. i WILL find a way to take my children to other parts of this state, this nation, and the world...somehow...i WILL expose them to all the wonderful things that i was exposed to as a child that helped me to see that this big world is full of SO MUCH BEAUTY. they won't get to live in sicily and live on a volcano like i did at my daughter's age...but they will get to visit, dammit. somehow i'm going to make it happen at some point. and before their childhood is over, dammit. they are not going to grow up only knowing this town and nothing of the wonderful world around them. i do not want them using this city as a measuring stick for everything else. i have to find a way to get them out of here even for short visits. i have to.

feeling better today

yesterday's post was the result of feeling overwhelmed. the house falling down around me was part of that. so today i'm determined to attack this house with vigor and clean up our home so that we can have a calm place to live again. it really does make a difference. its dramatic, the stress the mess induces in me. i'm guessing everyone else feels it too.

anyway, i'm going to just not think about money woes today and only focus on getting the house in order.

oh and the fliers are going to the schools nearest the discovery center on monday. mary ellen and i spent a couple hours yesterday packaging them into classroom packets for them. i called and got permission to bring them and how many to package up. so that should take care of most of these things. plus mary ellen took the rest of what we had afterwards and is taking them to the halloween stores around town. i have some left still in my tub outside my house if anyone comes by (got one person say they were coming by, so i'm grateful for that! every little bit helps!) and i may even get more made and hit more schools. i think that might be a really good way to spread the word about this event, get it directly into the hands of those that live near TDC. we'll see.

but anyway, i'm feeling better today and i'm not going to let the stress get to me. going to attack my house with vigor and make things tidy and calm around here. damn it. :)

very frustrated

i need to get these fliers out about "move it, dig it, do it", and usually i ask the moms on the local moms groups to help me, and they usually come through like gang busters. but i've not had a single mom pick any up yet, or even say they would. :( and normally i would say, ok, no worries, I'LL hit the town hard and go everywhere. but right now things are so tight financially that its seriously getting scary to figure out how we are going to pay our bills. for the last couple months we are coming up short on the necessities and having to scrape harder then i think we've ever had to scrape before. so that means gas is a very valuable commodity and i simply cannot use up our precious fuel going everywhere all over town.

i'm not sure what to do at this point.

TDC paid over a hundred bucks for these fliers because they had run out of toner for their copy machine and i thought i had a team of moms that would blanket the town, as they usually did, and that i needed to get them copied pronto so janet, the director of TDC, said to go ahead and have them printed. that's money TDC really doesn't have. they are not making ends meet even worse than our family right now. which is why this event is so very important for them, so advertising like this HAS to happen.

anyway, so now i have this stack of fliers sitting outside my house and one inside my car, that i'm not sure how i'm going to get it out and i'm really frustrated because the event is a week away.

for babyfest every year i've had a whole slew of mamas that email and say they'll take even just a handful and they really came through every time. i thought it would be like that again, but its just not happening right now and its stressing me out!

not to mention our money situation is adding to all my stress. i swear, we are actually doing WORSE now than when adam had his 10% pay cut! its insane! the only thing i can figure is that PG&E just went up $88/month and he's not getting all the side jobs that helped us through the pay cut times. there's money out there that people owe him, a fairly good amount too, and he's just not getting paid what he's due because they don't have the money to pay him.

so we are having to stay home more because we cannot afford much gas. we are stretching our food at home and we have debts that we just cannot pay right now...medical bills up the ying yang because i don't have health insurance and the insurance adam has is pretty crappy. oh and the kids have healthy families but i only use it for emergencies so we have bills to their ped. then there's the credit card that we were so proud of being paid off, but now has about $1000 on it because adam had to buy some gear for work on it (for his freelancing) and we thought would be able to be paid off pronto, but then everything went to hell and we ended up having to use every penny he brought in for necessities and still are.

i know that people all over are struggling. i know that. but it doesn't make it any easier from where i stand right now, very stressed, over how i'm going to pay for my daughter's birthday party coming up which she has her heart set on and realizing that we again will have to cancel our homeschool day at marine world because we cannot afford it. not the end of the world, but still depressing. i don't even want to think about xmas.

oh and then there's the fact that i can barely see out of my glasses, they are so scratched up, our big room is still a nasty mess because we cannot even afford to pay the bills much less get that fixed up again, adam's car has been in dire need of new brakes for a LONG time (scary), the van needs some work, just about every electronic device in our house doesn't work (no joke--stereo, boombox, dvd/vcr sucks big time, cordless phones died, etc), tyren doesn't have a bed because maeven broke the box spring and while i managed to find one on freecycle the crazy lady for some reason decided i was someone that always asks for everything and never shows up and is suspicious that i may be selling things as a business when i've never actually emailed this woman before and she wanted to report me which is ludicrous and she gave the thing to someone else apparently (*sigh*), i have barely enough coming in to my websites to pay for the websites themselves right now, i don't even know how i'm going to pay the $10 for the art club that my kids really love that is next week, my computer has been blue screening again, and everywhere i go in my house i see things that need repairing or replacing and i cannot even begin to think about when we will have the money to do that.

yeah, i'm whining, and yeah others have it worse. at least we have a home and adam has a job. i know that. but if you cannot vent on your own blog, i don't know where you can! GRRRRRR.

ok now that i got that off my chest, i need to go buckle down and work on "move it, dig it, do it" so that i can get more help on it. and try desperately to find people to help me with these damn fliers. they HAVE to go out, TODAY!! hmmmm, i think we'll be doing some walking around our neighborhood today. save on gas and get some exercise. :)

another great video

Hand from Above from Chris O'Shea on Vimeo.